I’ve written somewhat recently about where I am. I can almost, sort of, a little bit say where I was. With some help I’m starting to make some progress in what I can only hope is a positive direction. I am beginning to learn a lot about myself, my behaviors, my past and why I do the things that I do. While I can’t change them over night, I can acknowledge them and begin to be aware of them and work diligently to change them moving forward. I can say that while still shaky I feel like I might be ok on the other side.
One of the things that I have learned about myself is that I am constantly seeking approval from everyone else. To a fault. I have this innate need to garner approval from everyone. In truth, I’ve known this about myself for some time, but I didn’t really understand why. I have some insight into that now. But the remarkable thing for me is that I’m seeking approval from all of the wrong people because at the end of the day the one person that I need approval from is myself. The ability to say that for today, I am good enough. Regardless of where I’ve been, what I’ve done or any other things, if I live my life as myself and be true to me then I shouldn’t need the approval of other people, because I will have my own and that’s all I should need to know that I’m doing the best I can. Easier said than done for someone like me, but I’m trying.
And to bring us back to the world of tri-ing, I’m beginning to approve of myself in a way that I’m confident about planning a race calendar for 2013. I was reminded on my group run last night that the goal is to enjoy it and not stress about the details. So I’m starting to lay out a calendar that involves enjoying the journey. I have a long way to go in the next year. I want it to be fun, not stressful. I want to focus on me, my son and the training. Maybe not so heavy on the racing is the way that I’m leaning as of now. I truly need to stay off google though because I start looking at races and before you know it I want to click the register button. Thus far I’ve been able to abstain, except for one (which was $7.50 so I couldn’t say no!). I’m trying to put the bigger picture together before I start registering. But I’m hopeful that if I can lay it all out and then believe in myself that 2013 might be an awesome year in the world of running and triathlon for me. Holy cow, when did I really embrace becoming a triathlete? I suppose that might be a blog post for another day.